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recently many thing happened, many sad things happened.
a one minutes phone can kill your whole week. i really did not mean for so many bad things to happen. a silly mistake that escalated, causing many tears for many a nights. heart broken over and over again, watching my mom bond with Jere, seeing her back against me, waiting for her to speak to me again, feeling her anger towards me, i do not feel good. instead of looking at mom now, i just avoid her whenever she's around. when she even talk to me, she's telling me to do chores, to kio Loeiloei's shit, to clear the rubbish. i feel sad, i feel angry, im not suppose to be angry, im just ranting.
i said something really stupid this evening. if i could replay the evening, i'd not have spoken, and let her lash angry words over me for as long as she like. i should not have spoken.
some nights, i lie in bed, and ask God what did i do to cause my family so much pain. He havent answer me yet.

" you were my last hope. you just made me lost it"
these words, amongst many others, broke me into tiny pieces. i try to amend, i tried, but when im reaching you, but i start to back away, afraid and just cowardly, aint i?
tears dont help, neither does thinking of the same scene over and over again. i try not to do either, but trying.. just trying. i miss the little things she do for me, things i overlook in the past, now standing out like a neon sign in my face. reaching the front gate everyday, sometimes just standing there, with the keys in my hands. i was never good with words verbally, and im too proud to apologise. i put myself in her shoes, i'd have done the same.
i rather she scold me, beat me, than to cold me out. i just.... dont know what to do. disappointing my family is something i dont do often. which is why it's affecting me badly. everyday, i await for a new scolding from someone, waiting for it to come, but only to face silence.
cry every night, every single night. hoping for things to turn over again.

I'm sorry.

Labels: Raw.